Thursday, April 12, 2012

Home


For the last few months I have been reflecting on the idea home. What does home mean? For some people home is a physical establishment where they are able to find security and rest. For others, home is more about the people that dwell within the physical establishment in which they live. These people often offer grace, mercy, and unconditional love. Both these ideas of home have one thing in common: belonging. One either feels they have a physical establishment where they belong or a group of people to whom they belong. And then there are the lucky few who have both a warm, secure physical home and a group of loving, accepting people with whom they identify. Home is a place that encompasses fond memories and offers refuge in seasons marked by pain and brokenness. Home is a place where people flock to for the holidays in order to experience family tradition and belongingness. Unfortunately, there are far too many people who never experience home in this way.

For me, home has always been a place that I have been running away from rather than running to. I have never found the grace and unconditional love that I yearn for in the home that I grew up in or with the people that lived in that home a.k.a. my parents. I always felt more comfortable and secure in places outside my home such as my school, my dance studio, or the homes of my close friends. When I lived at home I spent as little time as possible at my house because for me my home was a place that represented devastating memories, broken promises, and painful relationships that seemed beyond repair. In my mind I didn’t really have a home, at least not in the sense that everyone else did.

Over the past year God has taught me about the true meaning of home. Home is not simply an establishment where you live and it is not defined solely by the people you live in community with. Home can be anywhere and anyone. I have discovered that for me home is a number of places. It is sitting on a dock, watching the sunset, on a humid summer day in Wisconsin. It is watching the Packers play football at Lambeau Field while the snow is falling and the cheese heads are cheering. It is laying on the beach, day or night, listening to the calming sound of the ocean. It is with the people that love me unconditionally and show me grace that I am in no way deserving of. Home can truly be anywhere or anyone you choose to let enrich your life and soul.

For anyone who feels alone, far from the comfort of a stable home, I encourage you to take a moment and reflect on your everyday life. Think about the place you go to find rest and the people who offer you encouragement and words of truth. Whether you realize it or not you have a home in those places and those people. My hope is that we are all able to embrace the home that God has given us, whether it is a physical establishment, groups of people, or a combination of the two. 

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Rainfall


I hate rain. Sometime when I express this feeling out loud people stare at me as though I had just said that I hate furry baby animals. I guess it’s because people just don’t understand how I could have any amount of legitimate hatred toward an act of nature. Let me try to explain. I have lived in Los Angeles my entire life. Southern California is notorious for traffic jams, smog filled skies, and consistent 75-degree days. It rarely rains in So Cal, but when it does you would think its Armageddon. The minute that water falls from the sky people instantaneously forget how drive, productivity levels fall dramatically, and the line at Starbucks stretches out the door. It is for these very reasons that I hate rain. My daily routine is significantly impacted by the affects of rain. I have to leave at least two hours earlier than usual to have any hope of getting to where I need to be on time. I go to Starbucks everyday (feel free to tell me that I am wasting my money and that large amounts of caffeine are not good for my health but be forewarned that I honestly don’t care) but on days when it rains I have to get to Starbucks thirty minutes earlier than usual to account for all the people who feel that they must have an overpriced, flavored coffee to get them through the morning because it happens to be 10 degrees colder than normal. When it rains I feel like I’m talking with idiots all day. That may be a harsh statement but truthfully, when it rains I feel like it takes people forever to complete simple tasks or process information and I am forced to repeat my coffee order three times and then wait 30 minutes for someone to make drink. I know…first world problems. Take it or leave it, that’s why I hate rain.

The relevance of this post comes in here, I think, or maybe there is no relevance to this post at all. I guess that’s up to others to decide. Today it rained. Surprisingly I had a pretty good day and didn’t find myself stressed or frustrated with anyone. I guess part of this is due to the fact that I didn’t have anywhere to drive today, I went to Classic Coffee instead of Starbucks, and my interactions with others were fairly limited. In addition to that somewhat rational explanation, I believe that the main reason I had a good day was because I spent the day reflecting on all I have to be thankful for. Gratitude is a funny thing. It has a way of making everything else in life seem so trivial because when gratitude becomes a reality there is so much in this life to appreciate and very little to be frustrated with or dare I say hate. Though I feel I have been weathering one storm after another over the past few weeks, I have recently been reminded of the many things I have to thank God for. He has put people in my life to love me, encourage me, and remind me to listen to the desires of my heart. I am grateful for the many conversations that have enriched my life over the past few days. I am grateful for the extra time I have been given to reflect on what the next few months of my life are going to look like. More than anything, I am grateful that I serve a faithful God who holds my life in his hands and continues to speak through deep conversations with friends and the rain that will inevitably fall every a few times a year.


Friday, February 24, 2012

Free Falling

Everyone is struggling with something. At any given moment there are countless people around us being overcome by temptation and the fear that accompanies it. We don’t talk about our struggles because we believe that if others are aware that we are struggling then they will perceive us as weak. Being weak in the eyes of others is simply not acceptable in a society that emphasizes competition and perfection, where productivity and ability are everything. Instead of being honest with ourselves and other, we lie and say that we are fine when truthfully we are feeling broken and alone on the inside. Over the past few months I have become intimately aware of my own internal struggles. Through a series of events I have been forced to confront the things in my life that I allow to have control over me. I have been uncomfortably honest with myself and with those closest to me. I have had to admit to my struggles and insecurities. It has been a physically and emotionally draining process but one that has been so necessary. It is only when we are ready to be completely emptied that God can work in our lives and fill us with the richness of his Spirit that offers freedom from the bondage of this world. I have come to a place where I am ready to be stripped of everything that I cling to because I know that it is only the Spirit of the Lord that has the power to sanctify me and make me whole.

During this first week of Lent I have been able to take the time to reflect on the way that Jesus both lived and died, in a state of complete surrender to God. I am prepared to offer all that I am, surrendering my life wholly to the Father who sustains me and invite his Spirit to begin to work within me. I am ready to be made new. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom and there is healing.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”
2 Corinthians 3:17-18

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Sweet Reminders


As I sit in the San Dimas Starbucks, attempting to do homework, I am reminded of the many reasons I have to praise God today. The radiant, snow covered mountains in the distance remind me that God is the author of creation and the author of this story I know as my life. He is my rock and he is in control. The towering, swaying palm trees that line the streets, remind me that God is the ultimate representation of peace. He brings peace to this world and peace to my heart when I find myself overwhelmed. The cool breeze that spills in as the door opens is a reminder to me that God is ever present and his hand is upon me. He is continually bestowing grace upon me that I am undeserving of, simply because he loves me. The venti green tea sitting in front me is a reminder to me of God’s ability to fill my cup when it is empty, allowing me to find a hope and joy that is not a product of this world. Above all I am reminded that God is good. That is the one truth that I am reminded of daily, regardless of my circumstances. His goodness is above all my worries, my fears, and my doubts. If I remember how He has been so good to me in the past and provided for me thus far, how can I be anxious about anything? My God is good in this moment, he will be good over the next ten weeks, and he will be good in the next year of my life.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
-Philippians 4:6-7


Friday, February 17, 2012

Feeling Needy


As I write this, the high school youth group that I help lead each week is in route to Hume Lake. I look forward to Hume every year. Playing in the snow, watching God work in the lives of the high school students, and allowing myself to be changed, as I am able to learn more about these amazing kids through the stories they share with me. The choice to stay behind this year was not an easy one. I wanted nothing more than to be in the mountains this weekend but I have excepted that staying home is what I need. I have a tendency to invest in others and love them unconditionally, which doesn’t seem like a bad thing but when I forget my own needs, my life begins to unravel. I’m not sure how long it’s been since I have taken time for myself. Time to read outside on a sunny day, time to write down the things that God has placed on my heart, or time to simply rest. My last blog post was written in early June. I’m assuming that was around the last time I took a moment to reflect on my life, which is the reason why I find myself in a season of chaos and confusion.

I am ten weeks away from walking across the stage and receiving my diploma. This is a moment that seemed decades away four years ago when I arrived at APU as a shy, timid freshman. This whole senior year thing is not at all what I expected it be. Whoever said that senior year was easy was clearly lying. Maybe school hasn’t been too bad the last few weeks, but the past month has been full of so many feelings, thoughts, and emotions as graduation looms over me. It has become obvious to me, now more than ever, that I am in desperate need of rest and peace that can only be found in the Lord.

I sometimes focus on others so much because I don’t want to face my own problems. Instead I put on a smile and tell everyone that I am fine, while truthfully I feel broken and alone. Four years ago I told myself that college was going to be a time for me to heal and discover the purpose God had for me. I have recently come to the conclusion that I have spent so much time telling people that I am fine that I forgot that I am not actually fine. And I am currently learning that it is okay to not be fine. I am now beginning the journey that I should have started four years ago. The journey to wellness and wholeness that I realize must take place in my life before I am able to serve others to the best of my ability. I know that this journey will not be easy but I have hope that is possible and it will be worth it. I have faith that God knows exactly what I need and will  bring me to a place of contentment and peace. I can’t be anything but thankful for the unfailing love of the sovereign God that I serve, who daily reminds me that I am his perfect creation. 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Raw Truth


I am a nanny for a family that has three little girls, ages 8, 10, and 12. I love spending time with them because we have a lot in common. Like me, they are all really girly so we spend most afternoons getting our nails done and gossiping about boys. Last week they discovered the new OPI crackle nail polish, which of course meant we all had to get nails done to match Katy Perry. We were quite the sight sitting side by side, each with a different issue of People magazine in hand, as the women working in the salon waited on us. I was very involved in an article about Lady Gaga’s newest album when one of the girls turned to me and asked, “Who’s Marilyn Monroe?” I almost dropped my magazine into the steaming pool of water beneath my feet. I couldn’t believe that an intelligent ten-year-old girl had never been properly introduced to Marilyn. The situation obviously had to be delt with right then and there. “Okay, girls put your magazines down for minute.” As soon as I had their full attention, I gave them the Sparknotes version of Marilyn Monroe’s life and explained to them why this woman is important to me and should be important to them as well.
Marilyn Monroe has always been an idol of mine. My adoration of this accomplished woman has very little to do with her status as an American sex symbol and much more to do with her bold personality and free spirit. She is someone I aspire to be like because she never seemed to care about what other people thought of her. She was able to enter in and out of marriages with no regrets, casually have affairs with some of the most powerful men in American history, and attest to the fact that women are just as intelligent and capable as men, yet much more beautiful. I quote Marilyn often because I believe she was much wiser than this world will ever give her credit for. She described herself in these words, “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn had this amazing ability to be honest with herself and she let that honesty pour out into the world. This is probably the quality I admire most about her because I often find it hard to be honest with myself. I don’t think I struggle with identifying flaws about myself; I am well aware that I am a sinful human being. I struggle with allowing others to see the real, honest, raw person I am underneath it all. Marilyn encourages me to let the world see all of me and not to give a damn what anyone thinks about me. As a future teacher, I also admire Marilyn’s intellect, which very few care to acknowledge. At one point in her life she was married to the great American author, Arthur Miller. She inspired him and she can be seen through many of the female characters in his novels. She was passionate herself about literature and learning, which is seen in the photo of her reading James Joyce novel, Ulysses.  This is probably my favorite photo of Marilyn because I believe it speaks volumes as it reveals her natural beauty and her love for great literature. Through this one photo she allows the world to see who she was at her core, and the image is much more lovely than the characters she portrayed on screen.
People always make fun of me when I tell that that I look up to Marilyn Monroe. They seem to think that they are in the perfect position to judge a woman they never knew and to form an opinion of me based on my admiration of such a woman. I believe that in such a case, like most other situations in life, the judgment or criticism of me and or Marilyn is sparked by fear. We’re all scared of things that are different, whether that means different opinions, different preferences, or different beliefs. This fear seems to be the product of uninformed people. This type of fear often hinders us from being the people we were created to be because it keeps us from loving those that we don’t understand. So my challenge is this: learn about someone or something before you form an opinion. Learn about Marilyn before you decide she was nothing more than a dumb blonde that died of a drug overdose and learn about me before you decide that I am in some way ignorant or naïve for admiring a woman who forever changed American society. Even before judging me, or anyone else for that matter, ask yourself who you are and how the world perceives you. You might find that you have more in common with people like Marilyn than you originally thought. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

REALity is Scary


Have you ever wondered what people think about you? I mean what they actually think about you, not what they tell you they think about you. As humans we have an unhealthy tendency to sugarcoat the truth. Actually, we have a hard time being honest with one another, because we don’t want to seem judgmental or hurt anyone’s feelings. We don’t lie; we say what we feel in the nicest way possible. Personally, I am not afraid to be honest with the people I love because I believe that sometimes it is crucial for them to hear the truth about themselves. In the same way I expect the people I am closet with to be brutally honest with me so I am able to grow as a person and as a woman of God. This is where I feel that many of the relationships in my life have broken down recently. I don’t feel like anyone has taken the time to point out my flaws in the past few months, which scares me. I am certain that it is not because I don’t have any flaws; I’m sure that I am flawed in more ways than I can count. So why hasn’t anyone told me lately?

Sometimes we loose sight of who we are or who we want to be, and we need the people who love us to remind us about the things we claim to believe in or value. I think everyone should have standards for things such as work ethic, social behaviors, friendships, and dating. In addition to such standards, everyone should have a person, or multiple people, in their life to keep them accountable to the way they want to live and the type of person they desire to be. This is a scary thought because if we are brutally honest with ourselves we can admit that we don’t really want to be held accountable. That would mean constantly hearing that we are wrong or that we have messed up again, and is there is one thing that Americans hate, it is being wrong. Somewhere over the years our society has attached a negative stigma to wrongness. Is it really a huge travesty to be wrong or make a mistake? I have found that I am much more stable person when I have people calling me out on my behavior and reminding me about the things I value.

At one point in my life I felt like almost all of my friends held me accountable in one way or another. In recent years this has changed. Not because I have different friends, but because many of my friends have become different people than they once were. I struggle with this fact because when I view my circle of friends I still see the people they were in high school. But in reality, time has changed and so have the girls that I grew up with. Maybe that is the problem with expecting people to keep us accountable. As much as hope we can put our full trust in people and not get hurt, that is simply not the case. Mankind is flawed, which means that the people we love will always let us down. To me this suggests that the only one I can expect to hold me accountable is God. I am confident that my creator is always looking out for my best interest and will keep me accountable to my actions in a way that no else can.

Sometimes I think that people look at me and decide that I am doing just fine and I don’t need anyone to keep me accountable. Over the last week I have been told more than once that I am a “good person”. What does that even mean? How can someone decide that I am good when they don’t even know me? And is that what they really think of me? Sometimes I wonder if they would feel the same way if I introduced them to the REAL me. The me that needs to be held accountable for me actions. The me that often finds myself empty and broken with no other option than to fall on my knees before God and again surrender everything I am to him. Oddly enough, the REAL me is the me that I am the majority of the time. Even when I’m faking a smile or forcing a laugh, there are layers of pain and hurt hidden beneath. Honestly, I’m a mess and I’m comfortable with that. It’s others that I feel may not be comfortable with the messy, out of control, irrational me. My hope is that everyone in my life would have a chance to get to know the REAL me and not judge me for brokenness, but instead love me despite it.

My desire is to be REAL with others in hope that they will in return be REAL with me. If that means that my life is full of a bunch of broken people, continually attempting to find fulfillment in life, that’s great because we’ll all be in the same boat. At the same time I want and need people to hold me accountable. I think we all need that so don’t be offended if I call you out on something. I wouldn’t do it unless I loved you. I hope more than anything that people see Jesus in me, but know that just because I love Jesus does not mean I am perfect or that I think I’m perfect. God is “good.” I’m just a sinner.